you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
