At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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