3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
