if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
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i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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