so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Duck Duck Cougar?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
