i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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