remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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