can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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