His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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