her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Two words: blizzard sex
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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