I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
