What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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