The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
