yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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