The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
