somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
