Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
