My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
