Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
if only i could text you this smell
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
