I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
