new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
