Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
