Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
