God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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