I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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