hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
