Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Vodka?
Forever.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
