Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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