haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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