I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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