New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
