You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
