I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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