Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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