I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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