i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They are going to name an STD after you.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
