So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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