Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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