I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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