You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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