I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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