After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
