I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
