I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
