How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
