You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish my penis had an off switch
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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