Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
