My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
