the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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