6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
