Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
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I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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