i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
