Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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