I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
