in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
