We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
