I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
